What Do You See?

Is this a bird or a question mark? If you could look at it upside down, it would look like a seal juggling a ball on its nose. What does this say about how you look at things? How you look at your life?

In a workshop I attended last week, we were discussing the big questions in our life. We were asked:

1 - What kind of character are you in the drama of your own life?
2 - How do you relate to the other characters?
3 - What kind of "script" are you acting out?
4 - What is the story of the culture within which you live?
5 - What do you expect to happen next?

I have been thinking about these questions all week. How have my "stories" been fundamental to my thinking? Can I shape the stories by which I live?

It's the dream we carry in secret
that something miraculous will happen,
that it must happen
that time will open
that the heart will open
that doors will open
that the rockface will open
that spring will gush
that the dream will open,
that one morning we will glide into
some little harbor we didn't know was there.

Olav H. Hauge

The Art Of Forgiveness

I came across something I read years ago called, "The Process of Forgiveness." Forgiveness is not just a "do it once and it's over" proposition. It's something that requires time, thoughtfulness, finesse, and an unusual amount of effort. It's a three step program that is complicated by the fact that some of the steps require the cooperation of more than one party.

Step 1 is the actual act of forgiveness. This is a unilateral step, which means that it only takes one person to forgive. So, this means that you alone are responsible for forgiving or accepting forgiveness. This is the easy part...right? You forgive, you forget, everything is rosy. But, what about the next time you think of the hurtful incident? What about that negative feeling of resentment that creeps back in, just when you thought you'd mastered it? And, hey, what if you just don't get those warm, fuzzy forgiveness feelings? You know the saying, "what comes around, goes around?"

Like the any skill or craft, forgiveness must be practiced to be perfected. The great writer, C. S. Lewis, says this: "There is no use in talking as if forgiveness were easy. We all know the old joke, "You've given up smoking once; I've given it up a dozen times." In the same way I could say of a certain man, "Have I forgiven him for what he did that day? I've forgiven him more times that I can count." For we find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again."

Step 2 is reconciliation and is bilateral...meaning, it goes both ways. It involves repentance, restitution and change. Both parties must be sorry, try to remedy the situation and make a change in behavior. So, here's where it gets a little tricky because one party cannot necessarily make the other party do any of these things. You can do it on your side, but you'll be dancing alone!

Again, C.S. Lewis (such a smart man!): "Forgiveness needs to be accepted as well as offered if it is to be complete: and a man who admits no guilt can accept no forgiveness."

It's hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry and it's hard to reconcile with someone who won't accept an apology. And, it doesn't count to just say "I'm sorry you feel that way." This is a faux- fession...a head fake kind of thing...a mock "my bad."

Step 3 is another bilateral action: restoration. If forgiveness and reconciliation are the "kiss," restoration is the "make up." This is the new beginning and renewal of trust...the part where the relationship truly begins to be healed. You can see why step three takes both parties.

Any number of things can get in the way of the three step program...pride, anger, emotion...human nature. The process can partially or totally break down at any given moment. That's why it's not easy. That's why it's something that has to be worked at...every day.

Practice, practice, practice...